Ten Commandments of Animal Parenthood

• My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be very painful.
• Give me time to understand what you want from me. Do not break my spirit with your temper, though I will always forgive you. Your patience will teach me more effectively.
• Please have me spayed or neutered.
• Treat me kindly, my beloved friend, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for your kindness than mine. Donʼt be angry with me for long, and donʼt lock me up as punishment. After all, you have your job, your friend, your entertainment, I only have you.
• Speak to me often. Even if I donʼt understand your world, I understand your voice when itʼs speaking to me. Your voice is the sweetest sound I ever hear, as you must know by my enthusiasm whenever I hear your footsteps.
• Take me in when itʼs cold and wet. Iʼm a domestic animal and am no longer accustomed to the bitter elements. I ask for little more than your gentle hands petting me. Keep my bowl filled with water. Feed me good food so that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding. By your side, I stand ready, willing and able to share my life with you, for that is what I live for. Iʼll never forget how well youʼve treated me.
• Donʼt hit me. Remember, I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.
• Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps Iʼm not getting the right food, Iʼve been out in the sun too long, or my heart may be getting weak.
• Take care of me when I get old. For you will grow old, too.
• When I am old, or when I no loner enjoy good health, please do not make heroic efforts to keep me going. I am not having fun. Just see to it that my trusting life is taken gently. And be with me on that difficult journey when itʼs time to say goodbye.
Never say, “I just canʼt bear to watch.” Everything is easier for me when you are there. I will leave this earth knowing with my last breath that my fate was always safest in your hands. I love you.

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES

A DOG'S DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm- Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm- Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

A CAT'S DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity ....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe?? for now.